Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.

words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

Duck typos.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

[God creating vultures]

How about a goth flamingo?

My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?