*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
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Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book