@mrjohndarby

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

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@queerly_it_is

keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years

@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

@auty_schmotty

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

@bridger_w

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

@TheBigBatman

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

@daemonic3

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

@BlindChow

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

@GuttaLikeNoOtha

One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.

@goodtimenoel

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

@elunatyk

Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.