[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
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Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
What?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.