Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOW DARE YOU

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]

Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

me after i passed that state trooper

banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.