first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
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My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
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We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off