[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
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Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
rip to my favourite tweet
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
This is me
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.