Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty

It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

sugar glider wrangler

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”