[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
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ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday