Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

me: how do we ask nicely

him:

me: go on

him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute

SF is the wild wild west man

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person

Girl: I’m not going to go out with you

Me: So you hate the planet?