First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
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doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie