@markydoodoo

[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

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@batkaren

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

@fro_vo

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

@daemonic3

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

@unravelingfire

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

@goldengateblond

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

@Jason_maybe

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

@Reverend_Scott

Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON

@YayForJam

Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”