[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
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Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
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Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.