[first person to see an ostrich]

Check out that chicken horse.

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The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”


*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco


My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.


Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.


LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.


Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.


Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON


Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”