[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
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[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
Good Morning.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
SONOFA
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.