First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Help Wanted
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
podcasts
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it