First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
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I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
