FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
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My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.