FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
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The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.