Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.

You get what you got last time.

Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off

Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.