[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
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judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Whoa… oh I see lol
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Finally!
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.