[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
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Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Brain: That cookie is hot.
Me: Like lava hot.
Brain: Let it cool down.
Me: Agreed.
Brain: But… it’s right there… and you’re an adult who makes poor decisions.
Me: Also true.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us