[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
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Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
where do you see yourself in five years?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.