Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

We will use anything but the metric system

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.