Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

Feels like the fourth month in January

“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

next level snooze

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know