Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

I’d rather fork than spoon.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does

[doing crunches]

Me: get it? ab solution?

Priest: so excommunicated

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Condensed milk is from dwarf cows

DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?