Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?

*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*

HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!

Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff

HECKLER: boooo

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

He wants my carcasses apparently.

I think autocorrect won that round.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”

– inventor of the Band-Aid

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.

About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.

I am ashamed of the scream I made.

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”