Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.

*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

This rocks

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

April 1st is the class clown of days.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.