first responders? you mean reply guys?
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Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*