first responders? you mean reply guys?
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We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Wednesday
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV