Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy

the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”

*pokes body with stick*

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!