Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge

me: what is it

6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday

me: how are you going to do that

6yo:

me:

6yo: no idea

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

You deplete me

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye