First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
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[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I used the label maker
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
this is the best day of my life
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.