First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
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At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Does your wife know you’re single?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Introverted vegans go meetless
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin