First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
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Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase