First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
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satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Why is this me 😫
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.