Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.

Uh oh 👀

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

Why?

How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight

Related – I never babysit

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

Greeting humans vs their dogs

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

I support this random dude and all his protests

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

[First day working in forensics]

Boss: I need you to dust for prints.

Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?

Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.

Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.

Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.

Me: Wait, what?!

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not