Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil

If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet

“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?