Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.

*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!

Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

Does this dress make me look cat?

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”

Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻‍♀️😂

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.