Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

*Crawls into bed exhausted

Bladder: knock knock

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ