First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
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My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Weirdos gonna weird.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
New nose
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.