First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
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You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”