First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
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What about a To-Don’t List?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.