First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
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Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.