First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
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Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
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If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.