First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

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Auto correct tries to change the word “pussies” to “Aussies”…. Just saying.


“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist


[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not


Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.


[first day as a coroner]
me: he died at 11:42AM
detective: are you positive
me: it’s hard with all this death but i’m hanging in there


My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.


If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic


telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes


Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously


Babysitting Pro Tip: Make them play Dungeons & Dragons until they love it so their parents will never have to worry about teenage pregnancy.