First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
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Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
This pepper has seen some shit
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge