[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Them: you shouldn’t be tweeting about sex cuz you’re a mom
Mfer how do you think I became a mom?
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?