@cravin4

First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.

Women: You didn’t need that rule.

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@Mr_goose007

Auto correct tries to change the word “pussies” to “Aussies”…. Just saying.

@HealthUntoDeath

“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist

@gingerfaced

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

@Marlebean

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

@themiltron

[first day as a coroner]
me: he died at 11:42AM
detective: are you positive
me: it’s hard with all this death but i’m hanging in there

@robin_991

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

@weismanjake

If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic

@SketchesbyBoze

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes

@prufrockluvsong

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

@torrami

Babysitting Pro Tip: Make them play Dungeons & Dragons until they love it so their parents will never have to worry about teenage pregnancy.