First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
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[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.