First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
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The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
“i miss shittin on people”
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.