Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

If you casually mention at the reference desk that this morning’s been pretty quiet so far, library staff will react as though you just screamed Macbeth at the top of your lungs seventeen times in a theater.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally