First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
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Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.