First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
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Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Okey dokey.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.