Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1633724421398581249/pu/vid/480x854/nbUMiQac7_e57O5B.mp4?tag=12

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes

Word of advice.

If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.

Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.

Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

*opens twitter*

*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*

*closes twitter*

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”