First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
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Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
adding to the discourse
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
only 11 steps left
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.