First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
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Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel