First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
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me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
Bruh 😂
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Still cracks me up
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.