someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
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It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.