@dafloydsta

First rule of Water Boarding Club:

1. You will talk

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@Ron_White

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

@itshotterhere

Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.

@seegreenfairys

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

@senderblock23

If you smell something bad never ask what it is. Someone could say it is your upper lip. There is no known comeback for this

@nameterminated

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

@novicefather

[interview]

“Describe yourself in 5 words.”

me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.

@JohnLyonTweets

*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*

@TigNotaro

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

@donttouchjames

i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out