First rule of Water Boarding Club:

1. You will talk

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I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.


Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.


I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?


If you smell something bad never ask what it is. Someone could say it is your upper lip. There is no known comeback for this


All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.



“Describe yourself in 5 words.”

me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.


*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*

*posts photo of me washing dishes*

*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*


Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/


i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out