[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
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[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.