[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
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a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I’m not sorry.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV