Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what

Breakfast: Banana Bread

Lunch: Orange Creamsicle

Dinner: Carrot Cake

Vegetarianism is hard.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

What do we want?
SNACKS!

When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!

– kids.