@ObscureGent

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

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@Vodkantots

Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Her: Thanks!
Me: k

@ginzyj1983

People who automatically say it will get better

without actually knowing what the problem is…

is why there are bodies buried in my yard

@silkymilky14

Used to think I was sophisticated and mature, then I realized half an Ed Sheeran song ruins my day.

@SatansTongue

*Will smith is alone in his corner, depressed*

“Won’t Smith,” he whispers

@unbub_

a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs

@YSylon

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

@rebrafsim

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

@johnbiehl

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

@cheers27402373

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.