[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.