[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.

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Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Her: Thanks!
Me: k


People who automatically say it will get better

without actually knowing what the problem is…

is why there are bodies buried in my yard


Used to think I was sophisticated and mature, then I realized half an Ed Sheeran song ruins my day.


*Will smith is alone in his corner, depressed*

“Won’t Smith,” he whispers


a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs


Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.


Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit


Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU


“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.


I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.