Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

become ungovernable

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.