First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
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*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Jupiter
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Holy moly
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.