First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
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13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Jurassic park gets weird
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.