First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
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None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Carpe DM
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
#MeanwhileinCanada
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The booster protects against what, now?
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
My dating profile:
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WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
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