Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS

Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

They must have gotten it to go.

[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

3yo: I hate vegetables!

Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?

3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!

Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.