First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
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[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Never go to sleep after making me angry
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd