@drhappyknuckles

First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.

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@SlabBaconBP

I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she’s feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I’m probably single.

@pleatedjeans

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

@AlexAndersonMD

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

@notalogin

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

@SeiYoung83

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

@kelkulus

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

@DanMentos

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic