I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she’s feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I’m probably single.
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
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new boss: mind sharing an office?
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
*Goes to morgue*
*Sits with cool kids*
Someone at the bakery might have lost their glasses.
[first day as spy]
*falls asleep in bushes*
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic