First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.

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I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she’s feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I’m probably single.


new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed


Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”


A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.


*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”


The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.


One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic