First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
A small tragedy.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.