First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
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I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
just gave your address to some spiders
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
