Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)

And another thing!

I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!

wife: how many beers is that for you?

me: yep

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again

We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy

Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave