First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Breaking news:
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice