First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
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[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.